Hospital Thoughts

So, while I was in the hospital I did a lot of thinking about the past year especially and how happy I am that we are now homeschooling. Sitting there watching Carter sleep hooked up to so many machines made me think about how many nights Bob or I have done this, about how little control we have over him and his health, how many years we wasted trying to maintain the status quo. I could kick myself for not listening and being strong enough years ago to follow my heart and not put him in school. I always wanted Carter at home with me but I let everyone talk me out of it. I listened to all the comments of how not going to school would make him reclusive and wouldn't give him the real life experience that he needed. My solution was to be the PTA President and then a teacher at their school. It was always my way to be there with the boys as I never wanted them far from me. Almost a year into this (May of last year was really the last time he attended school for any regular basis) I laugh at all of that. When we first started homeschooling, we followed all the rules :) We did a curriculum every day, even though he hated it most of the time. I remember one frustrating day of actually yelling at him to pay attention to some stupid lesson he was not at all interested in and that was the day I became an unschooler. I didn't know at the time that there was a real term for my newfound philosophy. I just realized how stupid it was to keep pushing him to be 'grade level' and prove that I was right in homeschooling him. Unschooling has been the most incredible thing to happen to our family. It has given control back to Carter over a life that he previously had very little control. You could see the changes in him during this hospital visit. He advocated for himself, insisted that everyone tell him what was going on, told people to leave him alone when he had enough. He saw how little control he had in this situation and fought desperately to gain it back. Perhaps that is because he is getting more comfortable controlling his own life through unschooling. It hit me as a watched him sleep how much unschooling has given him and our family. Now, I will admit I a much less confident unschooling mom of Connor. He has some big goals and I struggle with the boundaries of pushing him to do now the things he needs to accomplish those goals. I suspect as Connor fully explores his freedom, his goals will change. He will see that there are many more roads for him to travel now. At 11 years old he started his own company and website. Yes, he gets a lot of mom support with it but it is his in the end and it is becoming very successful. He wants to explore this more, getting more involved in building business relationships, controlling the site finances, and delving into more advanced coding. I know that he has the drive and spirit to be successful in whatever he chooses. My hope for him is that he learns to be HAPPY in whatever he chooses. That is my hope for Carter as well. More than anything, the boys both need to learn to control their own lives and destiny.